Best Laid Plans
by wowsugarpuss
Summary: Tracy has his best money-making idea yet.


Liz squinted at the haphazard papers in her hands, trying to decipher the tiny curvature of Cerie's handwriting. Eventually she gave up. No one really leaves important phone messages anyway… Did they? Before she could begin to re-evaluate her decision Tracy Jordan swung up behind her and continued along the corridor at the same pace.

"I visited my wealth manager last week, Liz Lemon. He thinks I need to diversify my assets and build on my franchise."

Distracted, Liz turned back to the pink doodle-covered papers that held a cryptic code containing her phone messages. "You have a franchise? What does Jay Ess Why Kay mean? Is that a Government organisation?"

"So, I can't do the show this week."

"Ok. Wait, no. Tracy—that is not acceptable. You have to do the show. Not even accounting for the fact that it's Tuesday and you've given us no notice you know Jenna can't carry the whole show by herself. Come Friday night I need every pair of eyes in New York City trained to their TV sets… or at least every pair of eyes in the 18 to 25, dollar spending demographic. Every set of those eyes needs to be on you… or possibly your feet depending on how Frank's sketch goes…"

"But Liz Lemon, I'm launching the sequel to my porn video game next year and I've come up with the best marketing strategy ever. I'm going to build a theme park to accompany the launch—"

"Tracy!"

"—I call it… PORNOPOLIS!"

"Tracy, tell me you're not constructing the world's largest brothel."

"Liz Lemon, I am not constructing the world's largest broth—"

"That's not what I meant. Tracy! Tracy, come back here!"

* * *

Hours later, ensconced in his dressing room, Tracy was still trying to convince Liz that his latest scheme was workable while she idled by the door—terrified to tell Jack about said latest venture.

"Grizz has a business degree from Harvard; he's going to be my business manager."

"You already have a business manager," she pointed out.

Tracy shrugged, reaching out for the new costume designs Dot Com was sketching up in a new Moleskine notepad. "I gotta lot of business—ooh, DC, nipple-vents in the armor is visionary!"

* * *

Yet many more hours later and Liz once again made her way to the dressing room/PORNOPOLIS headquarters to take another stab at derailing Tracy's pimp dreams.

"I got to take this seriously Liz Lemon. This is for my children! For my children's children! For my children's children's children! For my—"

"—A sex park? _That's_ the legacy you want to leave your children?"

"Hell yeah. Others kid's dads—they leave 'em a hotel or a casino somewhere… this is something personal."

* * *

"Unisex bathrooms just make sense!"

* * *

Jenna swept into the doorway of Tracy's dressing room. The elaborate pink-sequined dress that she wore clung to her skin, leaving little to the imagination.

"Tracy! You poor thing, intimidated by my great new role on Off-Off Broadway you thought you couldn't ask me to do the VOs for your theme park. I know I'm ridiculously swamped with fan mail and signing autographs—this one man in a courier uniform actually came to my apartment just to have me sign him one—but of course I would make time for you. So it's settled, I would love to reprise my role as Aphrodik Sukar Princess of Puss—"

"Well, you see Jenna. It's kind of like this… It was great having you do the voices for the video games but the park is visual experience… So I need some hot, young chick this time. No hard feelings—if we need to cast Aphrodik's slutty mom you'll be in!"

"Excuse you!" Flustered, Jenna flounced down the corridor in search of Liz, leaving Tracy and his entourage to their planning.

* * *

It wasn't long until Kenneth re-appeared with a collection of phallic-shaped foods arranged on a platter.

"Why, hello, Mr. Jordan. I have some of the foods you wanted to test for the menus—oh my sweet Lord those cushions are shaped like lady's breasts.

Along one of the sofas both Grizz and Dot Com were reclined side by side—the breast-shaped pillows billowing out at either side of their necks. Small felt nipples protruded upwards and the soft fabric wiggled as they nodded to acknowledge Kenneth's entrance.

"And they're ergonomical to support your neck! Dot Com designed them!"

Dot Com shrugged modestly, "I did some design courses back in the '90s."

"Sir," Kenneth turned back to Tracy, "I don't think ergonomical is a word and also do you really want to invite the sin of temptation into your new business venture?"

"Well, Ken… yes. This will be ten million times more successful than my porn video game! And this time I can get a real actress to do the voice overs—like Beyonce!"

Not much later Kenneth marched into Tracy's dressing room with his head held aloft. "Mr Jordan as much as I respect and admire you I cannot condone your new business."

Silence fell over the room. Grizz looked up from his last row of knitting. Dot Com carefully placed the X Box controller down on the side table.

"That's cool, Ken, you can just get me my lunch. I was thinking one of those subs from round the corner… and sushi!"

"Oh, thank you Mr Jordan! I won't let you down, Sir!"

* * *

"How much flesh are we allowed to show until kids can't come in? Where's my lawyer? Can the crèche have topless nannies?"

* * *

It was three o'clock in the morning the day after Tracy requested time off from Liz when all plans for the theme park fell through.

After a late night viewing of 101 Dalmatians—which was supposed to be family time for his two sons and during which he fell asleep and missed the conclusion of the film—Tracy phoned Grizz and Dot Com. All plans for the park were forgotten as he demanded they pick him up in a town car so they could fly to England and save the puppies.

"We could use them in a circus!"


End file.
